Are We Having A Haram Relationship

Shortened Question: Am I in a Halal or a Haram Relationship?

Question:   Asalam Alaykum how are you doing? Dear Imam and Alim, I’m confused. I’m investing and trying so hard for 4 years to get married with a sister who’s 32 years old while I’m 29 from my home country overseas in middle east and now I’m concerned if I’m in a halal or haram relationship . We aren’t having any haram talks or conducting any video chat except we did a few times to verify and guarantee we aren’t scam. Her parents still don’t know about me because we aren’t ready to let them know as I’m having some job-related problems and she has told me her parents is requiring saving up 2,500 dollars for her mahr as she said her parents require it and for plane tickets travel to propose for her parent for way too long and we are so scared to present that to her parents because we are afraid they could reject me right now at this moment due to my temporary fixable job problem and not having her mahr ready. Are we in a haram relationship at all? Should I immediately stop talking to her? We would never do anything haram or conduct video call or talk about inappropriate things , or flirt , or send pictures as we never did or have or ever will . My only intention with her is to marry her in the most halal way and be with her forever InshAllah


In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

It is not permissible in Shari’ah to maintain contact with a ghair mahram (one to whom marriage is permissible) woman.

Allah Tabaraka wa Ta’ala says in Quran Majeed:

[الإسراء: 32]  وَلَا تَقْرَبُوا الزِّنَا إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَاحِشَةً وَسَاءَ سَبِيلًا

Do not even come near to fornication. It is indeed a shame and an evil way to follow.

(Surah Bani Israil 17:32).

Communicating with each other in secret opens the door for the Shaitan to start playing on your nafs and try to confuse you. This free access can lead to quarrels and disagreements with each other, which may result in the relationship breaking off. The was- wasa  of Shaitan may motivate you to take it one step further, then another step until zina starts taking place. In either of these cases both of you will be losers, while the Shaitan will be the winner.

It appears that for the past four years your main focus has been how to acquire the Mehr, to enable Nikah with the sister. Whereas, in principle, payment of the Mehr is not a condition for the validity of the Nikah. The Mehr should be paid at the time of the Nikah. However, if both parties agree then the payment of the Mehr may be deferred to a future date.[i]

The Mehr is stipulated by the woman. This amount must be accepted by the man so that both parties agree on the value that was stipulated.[ii] However, after four years it seems that you are still unable to acquire the agreed amount of the Mehr.

Based upon the current situation we suggest that you immediately discontinue this Haram relationship. You should request a more affordable and less strenuous Mehr. You should consider making the Nikah with the sister, only when you are able to support a wife financially.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Mufti Saeed Ahmed

[i] :باب المهر

” ويصح النكاح وإن لم يسم فيه مهرا ” لأن النكاح عقد انضمام وازدواج لغة فيتم بالزوجين ثم المهر واجب شرعا إبانة لشرف المحل فلا يحتاج إلى ذكره لصحة النكاح وكذا إذا تزوجها بشرط أن لا مهر لها لما بينا وفيه خلاف مالك رحمه الله.  الهداية في شرح بداية المبتدي (1 / 198)

[ii] : وَإِنْ كَانَتْ التَّسْمِيَةُ لَيْسَتْ مِنْ شُرُوطِ صِحَّةِ النِّكَاحِ؛ لِأَنَّهُ إنَّمَا أَوْجَبَ النِّكَاحَ بِذَلِكَ الْقَدْرِ الْمُسَمَّى، فَلَوْ صَحَّحْنَا قَبُولَهَا يَلْزَمُهُ مَهْرُ الْمِثْلِ وَلَمْ يَرْضَ بِهِ بَلْ بِمَا سَمَّى فَيَلْزَمُهُ مَا لَمْ يَلْتَزِمْهُ، بِخِلَافِ مَا إذَا لَمْ يُسَمِّ مِنْ الْأَصْلِ؛ لِأَنَّ غَرَضَهُ النِّكَاحُ بِمَهْرِ الْمِثْلِ حَيْثُ سَكَتَ عَنْهُ وَلَوْ قَالَتْ قَبِلْت وَلَمْ تَزِدْ عَلَى ذَلِكَ صَحَّ النِّكَاحُ بِمَا سَمَّى وَتَمَامُهُ فِي الْفَتْحِ (قَوْلُهُ: نَعَمْ بِصِحَّةِ الْحَطِّ إلَخْ) أَيْ إذَا قَالَ تَزَوَّجْتُك بِأَلْفٍ فَقَالَتْ قَبِلْت بِخَمْسِمِائَةٍ يَصِحُّ وَيُجْعَلُ كَأَنَّهَا قَبِلْت الْأَلِفَ وَحَطَّتْ عَنْهُ خَمْسَمِائَةٍ بَحْرٌ، وَلَا يَحْتَاجُ إلَى الْقَبُولِ مِنْهُ لِأَنَّ هَذَا إسْقَاطٌ، وَإِبْرَاءٌ بِخِلَافِ الزِّيَادَةِ كَمَا لَوْ قَالَتْ: زَوَّجْت نَفْسِي مِنْك بِأَلْفٍ فَقَالَ الزَّوْجُ قَبِلْت بِأَلْفَيْنِ صَحَّ النِّكَاحُ بِأَلْفٍ إلَّا إنْ قَبِلَتْ فِي الْمَجْلِسِ، فَيَصِحُّ بِأَلْفَيْنِ عَلَى الْمُفْتَى بِهِ كَمَا فِي الْبَحْرِ، فَصُورَةُ الْحَطِّ مِنْ الْمَرْأَةِ وَالزِّيَادَةِ مِنْ الزَّوْجِ كَمَا عَلِمْت وَهُوَ كَذَلِكَ فِي الذَّخِيرَةِ وَالْخُلَاصَةِ. وَقَالَ فِي النَّهْرِ بِخِلَافِ مَا إذَا زَوَّجَتْ نَفْسَهَا مِنْهُ بِأَلْفٍ فَقَبِلَهُ بِأَلْفَيْنِ أَوْ بِخَمْسِمِائَةٍ صَحَّ وَتَوَقَّفَ قَبُولُ الزِّيَادَةِ عَلَى قَبُولِهَا فِي الْمَجْلِسِ عَلَى مَا عَلَيْهِ الْفَتْوَى. اهـ. وَظَاهِرُهُ أَنَّهَا أَوْجَبَتْ بِأَلْفٍ وَقَبِلَ الزَّوْجُ بِخَمْسِمِائَةٍ وَهُوَ مُشْكِلٌ فَإِنَّ الْحَطَّ مِمَّنْ لَهُ الْحَقُّ وَهُوَ الْمَرْأَةُ لَا مِمَّنْ عَلَيْهِ فَالظَّاهِرُ أَنَّهُ مِمَّا خَالَفَ فِيهِ الْقَبُولُ الْإِيجَابَ فَلَا يَصِحُّ، يُحَرَّرُ أَفَادَهُ الرَّحْمَتِيُّ.  الدر المختار وحاشية ابن عابدين (رد المحتار) (3 / 15)